I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
