Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
