all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
