How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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