Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
