I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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