My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
