and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
