You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
