I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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