His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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