Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
