Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
