who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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