thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
