happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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