put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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