the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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