Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
