I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You ruined the universe
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
