I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Pants are for mortals
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