I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
