hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
