so that wasnt chicken after all
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
