take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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