I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Randomize
