i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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