I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
BRING THE BAGELS
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize