Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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