k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
