I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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