Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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