I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Vodka?
Forever.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
