Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
