Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
