i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
