please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
