he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
