I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Randomize
