My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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