Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize