i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
