I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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