Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
