I just saw a hot homeless man
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
