I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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