I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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