Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
