i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
