Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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