I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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