I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize