hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
