I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We have started to decorate penises.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
