Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We talked him into tasing himself.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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