Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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