Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
