9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
